So Far...So Good

One afternoon when I was 5 yrs. old, I asked my Grandma why she was making my clothes for school. She replied: Because you are fat and the stores don't make clothes to fit you.
This was the start of my self esteem going down the crapper, and years of self consciousness because of my weight. If I could go back in time; to that exact moment she told me I was fat; knowing now what I didn't know then; I would of told her to "go to hell". Who in their right mind tells a 5 year old that "she"s fat"???? So every year I was in school my school clothes were hand sewn. And if I got something (like a shirt) from a dept. store, when we got home, she would "fix" it so that I could wear it. Once she took me to the old JC Penney's on Main Street in Brigham City and went straight to the "old womens" section. When I told her that the girls section was over there, she laughed and said "there won't be anything over there that will fit you". So she bought me a couple of shirts that were meant for a 40 year old woman to wear: I was still in elementary school.
It amazes me that I am not in therapy 24-7. Maybe I should be. I am now in my 40's and can still hear her telling me "I'm fat".
I thought I was detoxing from all the bad foods that you love to eat. But maybe it's an emotional detox as well. My grandma is no longer here physcially. But the scar is. Emotionally. Mentally.
I have lost 5 lbs. in 4 days. It's probably all the crap I had to eat for the 3 days of gorging/loading that I did. But what I do know, is that I feel better today, than I have in a long time. And my skin is softer. And I have not craved anything that I have given up--food wise--that is.
This is the most strict weight-loss program I have ever been on. And yes, I have tried ALL OF THEM at some point in my life. Maybe this time it will finally work because I am finally ready to loose the weight that has shielded me from the careless words of a woman who would "diet" with me during the day, but at night did not know that I would watch her stuff her face with cheese and crackers.