So I am now half way thru with this plan. I really thought when I detoxed, that I would get a headache and just feel like crap. But instead it came out in a totally different way. All of a sudden I became really onery and bitchy and poor Rob had to go to the garage for a few days. WOW. Didn't even see that coming!! But it's past and I am much more pleasant.
I have lost 10 lbs. in 14 days. It would of been more, but for some reason the last 2 Saturdays we have had stuff to do, and it's been hard to stick with the eating plan. So I used both days for my "cheat days". No major cheating, just ate more calories, but I stuck with proteins, fruits and veggies, and NOT anything with sugar or carbs. But overall I am happy with the loss I've had and I've also lost major inches so I actually look like I've lost more than the 10 lbs.
I feel so much better now that I'm eating all the crappy stuff. And I did expect to have cravings but so far all I'm craving is fruits and veggies. I will be so glad when I can add more of them back into my eating plan. No heartburn, I'm sleeping better and the pores on my face have literally shrunk away! And my clothes fit so much better. NICE.
One afternoon when I was 5 yrs. old, I asked my Grandma why she was making my clothes for school. She replied: Because you are fat and the stores don't make clothes to fit you.
This was the start of my self esteem going down the crapper, and years of self consciousness because of my weight. If I could go back in time; to that exact moment she told me I was fat; knowing now what I didn't know then; I would of told her to "go to hell". Who in their right mind tells a 5 year old that "she"s fat"???? So every year I was in school my school clothes were hand sewn. And if I got something (like a shirt) from a dept. store, when we got home, she would "fix" it so that I could wear it. Once she took me to the old JC Penney's on Main Street in Brigham City and went straight to the "old womens" section. When I told her that the girls section was over there, she laughed and said "there won't be anything over there that will fit you". So she bought me a couple of shirts that were meant for a 40 year old woman to wear: I was still in elementary school.
It amazes me that I am not in therapy 24-7. Maybe I should be. I am now in my 40's and can still hear her telling me "I'm fat".
I thought I was detoxing from all the bad foods that you love to eat. But maybe it's an emotional detox as well. My grandma is no longer here physcially. But the scar is. Emotionally. Mentally.
I have lost 5 lbs. in 4 days. It's probably all the crap I had to eat for the 3 days of gorging/loading that I did. But what I do know, is that I feel better today, than I have in a long time. And my skin is softer. And I have not craved anything that I have given up--food wise--that is.
This is the most strict weight-loss program I have ever been on. And yes, I have tried ALL OF THEM at some point in my life. Maybe this time it will finally work because I am finally ready to loose the weight that has shielded me from the careless words of a woman who would "diet" with me during the day, but at night did not know that I would watch her stuff her face with cheese and crackers.
So I can't believe it's been since January that I took time to write something..anything. Good news is Robbie is still cancer free. It has really taken its toll especially financially. We've found out that cereal is a good thing to eat for dinner and that you have to keep your fingers crossed that when your underwear starts to fall apart it will last for one more day! LOL
But now I've decided that I'm done feeling like crap so I'm actually doing something about it besides bitching and complaining. I am now in day 2 of detoxing from some of the "fun" things in life: SUGAR, GLUTIN, CAFFEINE, ALCOHOL, DAIRY. I have committed myself to trying this for the 30 days. So far so good. I only laid awake in bed for a few hours last night wondering just what the hell I thought I was/am doing to myself?!!
It all began last weekend when I had to "gorge" myself with the most high fattening foods I could find. I did gain 3 lbs. in 4 four days. So by sunday night I was really moody, my face had started to breakout, my stomach was soooo bloated and I felt the worse I have ever felt, my self esteem was literally in the crapper How can people eat like this every day??? By the time Monday morning had arrived, I was looking forward to going back to normal food. It does suck that I can only eat 500 calories a day, but all I can say is these HCG drops had better work! This is my last attempt to lose the extra weight I have been blessed with all my life. A good thing: I have lost 2 lbs. in the first day. So by the time my 30 days is up, I'm hoping a few more lbs. is gone! Wish me luck!! Or wish Robbie luck---he has to live with me!
I am so GRATEFUL right now for all the small things that have happened since Jan. 30th. On that day when we found out about Rob's cancer and I was outside falling apart, the nicest woman that I know I will never see again, offered me a hug and told me "that this will all work out". Was she really there, or was she sent to me at that moment in time to let me know that I needed to accept the help and love/support that would be coming my way?
I was also really stressing over my schooling. I was to the point that I needed to complete 100 hours of clinicals and still go to my class 2 nights a week. So how was I going to get this done and still be home to help Rob? When I went to my last class, the instructor pulled me aside and told me that she had a way to help me( I had not said a word to her about how I was trying to work everything out)which was for me to put my classes and clinicals on hold until the end of Feb. I could pick up where I left off with the next class. WHAT A RELIEF THAT WAS!!
The headlight on my car has an attitude and doesn't like to work. Rob did not have time to fix it. The stupid thing has worked everynight that I have been coming home late from the hospital.
The storm that was suppossed to come in Monday morning actually didin't turn out to be that bad. Andra had planned on coming down to sit with me while Rob was in surgery. But when the storm was forcasted, I told her not to come. Then my cousin Melissa texts me to say that she has taken off from work and she will be with me. Monday morning Andra and RyLeigh show up along with Melissa to sit with me. Which was so great because I started to cry when they told Rob he was going to have an epidural put in and a drain where they would be making the incision. I stopped crying monday night.
All of our puppies found good homes to go to and even one of our older dogs that we have been trying to find a home for finally found a home in Idaho with lots of children to love him.
When Rob took a turn for the worst last night-- his temp shot up to 103 and his blood pressure dropped to 98/52 and he started throwing up all within a matter of minutes, his PCT knew to get the nurse in the room and before i knew it, we had 2 nurses, the pct, and someone from the lab and the Dr. on the phone helping Rob.
And in the middle of all this I called my good friend Beth and she immediately found 2 men from our ward to come and give Rob a blessing. She dropped everything she needed to do to come up and be with us. Maybe she knew I needed to get some fresh air and just talk.
All these things are just little things that would probably normally happen anyway. But when you stop to take a breath and survey whats going on around you, it's then that you realize that blessings come in all shapes and sizes and when you are not thinking that you need them.
So now I get to bring my husband home, in sickness and in health and it's now I realize how important that statement is when you are saying your wedding vows.
I have never been so scared ever in my life. AND
I have never been so grateful for the little things in my life.
So the results of Rob's lung cat scan looked ok. No signs of Cancer There!!
He is taking this much better than I am. He is just seeing this as a big inconvenience in his life. I, on the other hand am freaking out that I will be alone and will need to mow the lawn myself next summer. I don't even know how to turn it on. So I guess I will add that to my list of 2009 resolutions. It will fit nicely behind: I will not support Walmart.
